I didn’t ask for this…

It’s coming up on my 9 year anniversary of when i decided that i wanted to try submitting. I had refused to admit that i could be a switch! And if i was going to submit, it was going to be on MY terms.

I have always said “I am so not a service submissive” because i hate cleaning my own house, in fact, i usually manipulate my submissive husband into doing the lions share of the job (he knows i’m manipulating, and has frankly given up). I’ve always said “There is no way i could be a slave! I’m just too strong willed to let my life be on anyone else’s terms!” and “I have too many commitments to the others in my life to devote myself to one person.”

And then i started washing His dishes. I was just helping out a busy man.)

And then i started picking up things and putting them away. (He’s in the other room, no harm in picking up the things that i know where they go.)

And then i cleaned His toilet. And it hit me; i really ENJOYED doing these things… but that couldn’t be. I’m the lazy switch who would rather you run into my paddle 😉

And then i offered to clean for Him. I offered to do His laundry, His dishes and cook for Him. I offered to do those little house wife-y things that i hate doing at home.

And it hit me again; I really enjoyed doing these things for HIM.

I enjoyed the smile on His face when i did something for Him, especially when i did it unconsciously.

I enjoyed the feeling of doing a job well for Him. (Even if i messed up the macaroni and cheese, it was still edible.)

I enjoyed that tingly feeling i got when i realized that i wanted to be His slave more than anything else.

He understands my commitments, He understands that sometimes my body doesn’t want to move that way so i can’t clean the floor. And He enjoys the fact that i am strong willed, but melt away when it comes to Him. He doesn’t let me get away with being weak, or lazy or even when i am a little whiney and want want to do it MY way.

So now we move in these circles. We work well in the kitchen together, i clean up while he’s putting a battery in the smoke detector, i over cook the chicken while he’s looking for something.

And i do it all with a smile on my face, no, a grin!

I wondered if it was a novelty, playing house with someone i didn’t have responsibilities to. I really sat and thought about it, and that wasn’t it. It agitated me when He did something when i could easily do it for Him. I threw little tantrums (in my head) when He emptied the dishwasher. It felt like someone was taking something special away from me.

So i guess i am His service submissive. And i guess i can be a slave to the right Master.

I never asked for this, but i’m so glad that this is where i am.

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Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time there was a little girl that grew up knowing this was a big big world. She knew that she was but a tiny tiny speck in this big big world, for that is what those she grew up with told her so. This little girl grew up tightly bound, wrapped in a bondage she didn’t like, and tried so very hard to escape from. Her captors taunted her, telling her she could never leave and made sure she knew that they were the only ones with the keys to her bindings. She did as she was told, and went where she was meant to be, and did what she was supposed to do, but she knew, deep inside of her, that she was bigger than they told her she was, and greater than they tried to make her believe her to be.

Occasionally she was loosened from her tight restraints, but never fully released, and brought out into the light of this bright big world. She was held tightly and treated carefully, with an eye always on her to make sure she couldn’t escape. One day, those captors of hers, they turned their head, just slightly to the side and the girl (who was a little bit older, had become a little bit wiser, and knew this wasn’t where she was meant to be) dashed off and ran and ran and ran until she found the very edge of a forest.

This forest was big, and she knew she could hide in it, so she carefully took a step into the trees. She hid behind stumps and logs and rocks and tried to sneak through the woods, hoping she wouldn’t get caught. She was called from the edge of the forest, but she was resolute. She would never go back, she would never leave this forest where she felt safer. It was darker there, and many more places for little girls to not be found. There were so many things to try and so much to learn that she felt like she could stay forever.

She walked this forest and came to know it. She learned the name of every tree, and found the paths to the water and where she could find food, so every day she grew a tiny bit bigger and a little bit stronger, though she was still quite a little girl. In fact, she became so accustomed to her woods that she walked through it with her eyes closed tight and knew every place to put her foot and every branch to duck under. She felt she knew everything there was to learn in this place and yearned for more knowledge, but she was too scared of being caught and returned to those people who held her too tight.

It had been some time in the woods when she walked to the other side and stood with her feet just on the edge of the forest, her toes on the line between darkness and light. She stood there for a long time and looked at what was around her. She tried stretching and looking as far as she could, but she couldn’t see what was beyond the point where her toes touched. Her eyes were tricking her, she thought, she just couldn’t believe that there was nothing to see. Her toes dug into the dirt and she leaned forward, and the tip of her nose came out of the dark. She reached forward with as much of her body as she could without leaving her safe spot and her whole head was in a bright bright light.

She could see! And what wonders there were! There were colors of every shade, and movement as far as she could see. She made out the shapes of people, some with bindings around them, so similar to the ones she escaped, but they looked happy! She took a small step forward, and her body felt like it was filled with music, and her heart felt like it could burst. She felt sure that she couldn’t possibly feel any better than she did right then, halfway between darkness and light.

Some people beckoned to her, fingers curled and mischief in their eyes. She stood very still, and it felt like she had a war going on in her body, between her head and her heart. Her heart wanted to step forward, but her head was saying it wasn’t safe. Her head told her that here in the forest, she knew every path and every tree and she was comfortable. Her heart knew that she could learn and feel so much more if she stepped out of the woods and walked forward.

Finally, without letting her her head and heart fight any longer she jumped high into the sky and when she came down, she was out of the woods. She landed in front of some of those strange new people and they looked at her with encouragement on their faces. She stepped one step closer and looked them in the eyes, and she found love and acceptance shining back at her. One man who looked so much kinder than anyone she had seen before leaned forward and wrapped his arms around her. At first she struggled, feeling trapped again and tried to escape like she had done before, but those arms held her firm, but never tightened, they held her close, but not with pain. Slowly she relaxed into his arms and felt people putting bindings around her, loose but substantial. She let go of the man and looked at herself, a little afraid of what was to come, but the people made soothing noises and all patted her and touched her gently. She looked around, and saw that there was so much here to learn, and so many places to go and so many things to see and she no longer felt scared. She looked down at herself and nodded, liking the way this bondage held her, the way it curved around her body and felt like it belonged.

She knew that this was bondage she had chosen, and a place she where she belonged. She was still a tiny tiny speck in this big big world, but she knew that this world was getting smaller, and she was so much more than she was before.

Me for Me

One day a few years ago my mother got a phone call from one of my uncles. I’m not going to get into which uncle it was, but I will mention that he’s not one that has been particularly active in my life. He called to tell my mother “What I was Into”. Evidently one of my cousins had seen my Myspace profile back when I used it for my friends primarily, by following my sister. Here’s the thing, my mom already knew “What I was Into”. So did my sister. I had listed on my profile that I was a Bi/Poly/Switch. My mother said she knew and didn’t care.

Recently one of my favorite aunts died, and when I went to the funeral my “family” treated me rather unfairly, I thought. I understand that they might not understand what the labels Bi/Poly/Switch mean, but they never bothered to ask me. They just judged me. They judged my life, my husband, and what I do in my personal time. I know that some people are going to ask me what I expected, but we have homosexuals that are accepted in our family. They are invited to family parties, they are given a place at the dinner table, and I guess I expected equal treatment. I love my family, and I had hoped they loved me for me.

I can understand if they don’t want to know about my personal life, in fact, I prefer it that way, but I have absolutely no problem answering any questions they may have. I don’t understand why not a single one of them asked me if I was happy… If living this life that I live fulfills me. Because believe me, I, like my wonderful family members that have come out as gay, did not “choose” this life. This is WHO I am.

You know what? It does. I am happy. It’s not easy all the time. I have more than my fair share of obstacles. My husband’s family doesn’t know, because they wouldn’t accept our lifestyle, but I thought if anyone would, it would be my family.

I am who I am. I live my life in a way that is not your way. I love you for you, am happy if you are happy and want to kick the ass of anyone that hurts you, even if you are different than me. Why can’t you do the same for me?

Punishment

I was a bad girl. If you couldn’t or didn’t see the picture, I called my Daddy’s feet hideous and He was not happy with me. I disrespected Him and now i am being punished.

My punishment will have two parts. Three if you count this part actually. The next time we attend a GRALE event, i will have to be on all fours and follow Him around that way. I will be allowed to talk, but i will not be permitted to raise my eyes from his feet.

When the time comes, I will be told to remove His boots and sponge bathe first one foot in a warm foot bath. I will make sure each and every inch of that foot is clean. Then i will his toes, one by one into my mouth and suck on them. After that i will suck on his entire foot. i will lick it and love it, and cherish it the way i should. His other foot will be next, and i will give it the same attention and adoration that i gave the first foot.

Daddy will judge if i have done my job well, if i have performed to the best of my abilities, and if He is fully satisfied with my task. i will be denied His cock until that time.

This punishment will be repeated the next time i attend GD2 with Daddy as well.

I misbehaved and i do feel as though i deserve to be punished. This will be humiliating to me on so many levels. To have it happen at GRALE, with my peers, my friends will be so embarrassing. To have it happen at GD2, in front of people i barely know will truly push that line of humiliation with me.

A note about this; I love humiliation play. While i will feel chastened about my punishment, i have no doubt that i will be wet because of the humiliation. The scene happening at GD2 will probably be both the hardest and the easiest to do. Hard, because it’s humiliating to be shamed so in front of people you don’t know, but easy because i know that i might never see some of those people again.The night at GRALE will certainly be the more challenging to me.

And another note; I consented to this. He is the one who gets to decide what i get punished for and what i don’t. I also have the choice to follow through with this. Please don’t feel that it is your job to be indignant on my behalf or judge whether it is justified. This is our relationship, our rules. Thank you.

My Daddy

So… There’s this man.

I’m sure you’ve seen Him before, with me following around behind Him like a love-sick kitty, my eyes big and round, with stars in them.

He’s handsome, in that good Italian-stock kind of way.

His smile is wide when He shows it, which is often, and his lips are incredibly  sensual.

He has these hands… firm hands, brutal at times. They can smack and punch and slap me into tears, and then gently push the hair out of my eyes and caress my face with them. He even holds me tight with this big hands, cuddling me to sleep.

His eyes haunt my dreams. That dreamy sadistic cruelty that may sicken a lesser woman, but only serves to make me ready for when He wants to use me.

I feel like we were meant to be together. That i knew i was meant to be His from the moment i saw Him. This may sound exaggerated, but if you ask a few people about that night, they will tell you it’s true.

When we sleep together His body curls around mine, protecting me, keeping me safe. If He happens to turn away, He still reaches for me, to touch me in His sleep, as if to reassure Himself that i’m in the proper place. Little does He know that I will be in that place for as long as He will have me.

When we are at parties, and i wander around being the social butterfly i can feel His eyes on me as i wander around. He doesn’t worry i will stray, but He’s always making sure i’m safe.

There is this scar on His shaved head and i always want to kiss it and lick it.

Our meeting was pure chance. The stars aligned for us and the momentum of life pushed us forward into this, and i fell into it, with arms and eyes open wide, ready for where the journey would take us.

On this fateful night that seems so long ago, a girl without a father found a Daddy, and a man without children found a babygirl.

Who Are You?

Sometimes I feel like a lost person. I have no degrees, no great accomplishments (except for raising an amazing daughter, but i have no idea how i had a hand in that) no particular talents or things that make me stand out from the crowd of other people, some who feel just as lost as i am, and some who seem to have no consciousness.

I have ambitions, but they are vague and for the future. I have motivation, but that’s mostly for the “now”, getting through each day. My goals are personal triumphs that matter little to the world around me. Some days, because of a sundry list of crap that is wrong with me, it’s a huge triumph just to get out of bed.

But….

I subscribe to this daily email that sends you little notes about your place in the Universe. It is, appropriately, called [Notes From the Universe][http://www.tut.com/resources/notes/]. The tagline is;

*What if the Universe were to send you little reminders of your power, life’s magic and how much you’re loved.*

How cool is that? I “get” that. Most days they go into the trash unread, the advice discarded. Today i was awake when mine came in. I’m usually awake when they come in at about 3:15am.

Today I feel a little bit less lost because of the Universe;

Mel, it’s the way you think. That’s your purpose. It’s never been about what work you choose, what gifts you develop, or what niche you fill – let these be for your pleasure.

Think as only you can think, which will lead to feelings that only you can feel, from which connections will be made, lives will be changed, and worlds will come tumbling into existence.

Thanks,
The Universe

Thanks right back at ya.

My Husband

I don’t think i write nearly enough about my husband.

Let me tell you about how wonderful my husband is;

He is my soulmate. He is patient. He loves me for me. He understands when i just need to be angry. He gives me space. He invades my space. He humps me in his sleep. He lets me have other lovers. He has had other lovers himself. He trusts me. He is quiet when he leaves for work at 5 am. He loves my cat. He is the best father that i could ever have wished for my child. He never listens to me. He always listens to me. He can be rough with me when i need it. He can be soft and gentle when we both need it. He is calm. He tries not to worry me. He calls when he’s going to be late at work. When he’s drunk, he adds an “S” to the end of every word. He also doesn’t stop smiling when he is drunk. He loves Family Guy. He puts up with it when i watch really cheesy girly shows like “Glee” and “America’s Got Talent”. He deliberately avoids the channel that has “Dirty Dancing” on it because he knows I’ll make him watch it. He checks out other women when we are together, and points the hot ones out to me so i can appreciate them too. He checks out other men when we are out. He will crawl for me. He brings me Ben & Jerry’s, even when i’m on a diet. He reminds me i’m on a diet when i’m standing in front of the chips and dip. He doesn’t get jealous. He puts up with my shit.

EDIT: Oh there are a couple more. He kills spiders for me, even though he doesn’t like them either. He goes out to the garage in the middle of the night with me to find a book for me. He laughs at me when i do something stupid.

There are so many more, i’m sure. But right now, in this moment these are the ones that matter.